My pity party - join it if you wish

Well folks - - - my husband has asked for a divorce and this time I am pretty damn sure he will continue through with it. He has threatened it before but never like this. He is so extremely mad at me for our finances and the fact that this new one came out of the woodwork (btw - I now know what it is and know I owe it). And as much as this kills me to -- I don't blame him. I have done some bad things and he deserves better.

A little blast from my past: My husband and I should celebrate 10 years of marriage this coming May. In our almost 10 year marriage - I have messed up BIG with out finances not once but twice. In both times, I had complete control of our finances - I, alone, paid the bills and attempted to manage our money. I did this on my own because I did not want my husband to have to stress over the bills - he worries about so much - I thought I could take one thing off of him. Instead - I couldn't do it - and instead of telling him and worrying him - I hid it and therefore caused horrible issues. I drained our savings and then started bouncing checks from here to hell and back - all the while I was lying to my husband and telling him that "everything is fine - of course we have the money". The first time, I had to borrow money from my uncle to help stop the problems - I still owe him 2/3 of the money. This last time - my husband took a loan from his 401K to pay for my fuck up. This last time came to a head in September of last year.

At that time - I had to come to terms with the fact that instead of helping keep stress off my husband - I added it three fold. I had to face myself and realize that I am not the best person in the world. What kind of person does that to their soul mate, their husband and their friend? I have tried to redeem myself ever since and I thought things were getting worked out. My husband stayed with me and we were working on our marriage because we both decided we loved each other too much to throw it away.

Then Sunday came - I was served those papers (btw - the lawyer I talked to said 'we have been trying to find you since the beginning of 2003' - wtf - I haven't moved in 5+ years - anyway. . . .). Everything from the past was brought back to life with a horrible vengence. He is again so mad at me he can not talk to me - he is physically ill and not sleeping. I can not tell you how badly I feel about hurting him again. Even if I had no idea this was coming - I hurt him again because it was out there - lerking. One more small insight to my past - I was supposed to have been paying on a debt consolidation. I could not keep up the payments so I stopped the consolidation. I did, however, pay off what I knew about on my own. I called a couple credit cards I had and made deals to pay a major percentage of the balance and they called it paid. I did what I could - but again - I didn't tell my husband that I stopped the consolidation. Again - a horrible, horrible lie that I told my husband.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Why couldn't I tell my husband what was going on? I was so scared of loosing him because of this and my worse fear is being realized. Last year, when this all came out, again, I dug deep and took a good look at myself and made some serious changes in me. I became a more religious person - got to know Jesus more (I have always considered myself somewhat religious) and have put complete faith in him that this is what is supposed to be happening. I am having a hard time with that now because I am so scared about loosing my husband - I can not believe this is happening. I know I should have seen this coming - what else should I have expected - right?

On a somewhat good note I guess - my husband did say that after we divorce and I figure out what the hell is wrong with me and get my shit together - he would like to "date" again. I can't believe my life has come down to dating my husband. How sad is that? I am very grateful though that he isn't just washing his hands of me - I truly do not believe that I deserve another chance - I have destroyed him and that is something I will struggle with my whole life. He is an amazing man and I just hope, and pray, that the Lord will help us be together again - as a family, loving each other for the rest of our lives. Of course - I will love him until the day I die - regardless of what happens.

Thank you for joining my pity party - I am sorry that I have whined for a while - but hell - this is my blog and about the only place I have to do this - so there it is! Like it or leave it!